Aum Shri Sairam. Salutations to Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, and thank you Swami for all the blessings.
Dedication: I thank my beloved wife for her courage and composure and her unflagging love and support for the duration of my recent hospitalisation.
It started with an unusual busy travel week, the 18th to 23rd February 2018. I drove a honeymoon couple on a tour, covering Malacca, Kuala Lumpur and Genting Highlands. But on the 21st February itself, I was already feeling a little unwell. On that day, I came back home early, by 5 pm, and rested. But by Friday, the 23rd February, I was getting weaker, and on that day, I asked my wife Santhi to drive, while I accompanied her. We dropped the guests at the airport and returned home. Santhi insisted on taking me to our family doctor’s clinic. The doctor thought it was just a normal cough, and prescribed antibiotics.
By Tuesday the 27th, the situation was worsening, and I went to the clinic again. This time, the doctor put me on drips, and treated me to two rounds of nebulizer. While the doctor wanted to admit me, I did not want to be admitted. I had a problem in my workplace because a driver had put in a sudden resignation.
I was driving the van, all the while coughing badly. Santhi stayed with me all the time. As my condition got worse, she courageously took on the driver role. I continued the acute coughing, and soon the vomiting started.
We dropped off all the students we were ferrying, and she drove me to the Klang General Hospital Emergency Department. I was put in a wheelchair and rushed to the Red Zone. I was panting quite badly by then, out of breath.
I was immediately put on drips, and the doctors started examining me. As I waited for admission, I told Santhi to go back and rest. By 4 am, I was brought to ward 8B, and closely monitored by doctors. Blood samples were taken for various tests.
My wife came in early the next morning, and the doctor explained my condition. She left around noon to drive the van to pick up the school students. But as she was on her way, the hospital called her. My condition had deteriorated quickly.
She quickly managed to get someone to help to drive the van and rushed to the hospital. The doctors told her that my condition was critical, and I had to be moved to the ICU.
All I remember is being wheeled to the ICU, and the security guard stopping my wife following me inside. I was in tears. Everything happened so quickly. I was transferred to the bed, my clothes changed and the tubes and gadgets attached. I was always aware of all the happenings but felt weak and in a daze.
Moments of bliss
From this moment I lost track of time. My only thought was, “Baba, I am surrendering to you”. No other thoughts there onwards.
I felt a strange sense of relaxation and thoughtlessness and began enjoying the moments of peace and bliss.
Every day, during the visiting hours, Santhi would rush to me and assure me that I was alright - “Babe, you are doing good”. She would keep applying Vibhuti on my chest and on my forehead. The smell of Vibhutii was everywhere throughout.
My posture on the bed was relaxed and so comfortable that I felt no pain at all. I was constantly in the same cool, happy mode! No worries at all. I just knew that during every visiting hour, many would come. They would touch me and comfort me.
I was not wearing my spectacles, but recognized almost everyone who came. The touch and prayer and comforting words made me constantly in a positive mood.
Doctors attended to me day and night – I could hear them as they spoke. And whenever I opened my eyes, they would ask how I was doing and how I felt. I would always respond that I was fine, and give a thumbs up. I was honestly feeling well.
Divine moments
Often I would suddenly hear chanting (with energy like the early morning Omkar at Prashanti). I would open my eyes, and see no one at my side. I would close my eyes again, and just enjoy the moments of bliss.
Then one day, a doctor told me that I was tired, and that he was going to put me on a relaxation medication. The next thing I knew… I felt myself hanging… my mind was calling “Mohana”… but the body was just hanging. As I enjoyed these moments of calm and peace, suddenly I saw a few tall angel-like figure… dressed in white… I watched them… until they disappeared.
As the days went by, many strange incidents happened. One day I had a dream… my late mom appeared before me. She said, “There is nothing to worry… everything will be alright.” Another day, my late brother and I were in a dream, sitting near my office, outside the building facing the car park. We were sitting and talking casually. In front of us, my dark blue Volkswagen van was parked. Suddenly my brother asked me to take a look at the Audi 2 seater left hand drive car, hidden, beside the Volkswagen. And suddenly, the scene disappeared.
Whenever I woke up after these dreams, I felt reassured that I was alright, and will be out of hospital soon.
Once my wife came, looking very tired. She told me, “Babe, I just meditated and sent the light energy to you. You take care. I will come and see you tomorrow.” I just nodded. That same night, I saw a triple bulb laser pointer-like light, blinking a pinkish light, with seven shades of colours, very short and swift bursts of light.
Dream or hallucination?
Bro Harwinrao used to always visit me, and one day he told me, “Uncle we checked, all are ok except a few are having negative energy.” What he was referring to were bundles of humans hanging in the curtain railing in a dark blue cloth! Was this a dream? Or hallucination? When I opened my eyes, I did not see anyone - I had a similar experience when I was in the ward upon being moved out of the ICU.
I was always coated with Vibuthi – I was assured that Swami is always there.
As soon I was admitted in the ICU, I saw two lines - one upper line and a lower line (l considered this the consciousness line). Each time I reached the top line I would feel enjoyment and calm. At times I started to be at the lower line – and I would feel the attachment, and then would come the cough, with my nose sensitive to odour, heat / warmth of people coming close to me. If anyone came with perfume, I got a suffocating feeling. Feeling the discomfort, I would close my eyes and stay calm to move to the upper line.
Daily the nurses will bathe me – it was always at 11pm, and that was the only time I was aware of. They would wash me with hot/ warm water, using shower cream. I would feel very clean - no body odour whatsoever while in ICU. In short it was a very blissful life!
The doctors and nurses would explain clearly everything that they intended to do, so I would be fully aware of the process. For example I need to swallow when the milk is fed every 3 hourly. The oxygen mask also had to be frequently changed, depending on the reading on the gadgets.
Some of the above could be hallucinations, dreams or visions influenced from my past learning experiences or memory recollections. Some of the moments are difficult to explain. But for more than 90% of the time, I was awake and aware, certainly not asleep.
In spite of the seriousness of the ailment, the overall experience was not unpleasant, and credit goes to Swami, to my dear wife, and to all those loving souls who prayed intensely.
What I did not know
While I was having this experience, others heard that my condition was deteriorating – the doctor gave a mere 20% chance of survival !
On 2nd March, as I was in the ward using Continuous Positive Airway Pressure (CPAP), before the Oxygen level saturated below 90. Then I was moved to the High Dependency unit. An urgent SOS – a call for intensified prayers went out. Messages on whatsapp would urge, “Let us do a group Gayatri Chanting, 9 times at 9pm tonight, for our dear lovely Bro Mohana who is admitted in GH Klang for pneumonia. Our group prayers will help him recover and be back to normalcy speedily… set a reminder on your phone.”
A second SOS, on March 3rd urged, “Sairam dear All. Please continue your prayers. Bro Mohana is in Klang GH ICU Ward under assisted ventilation and antibiotics. We need to pray specifically for Swami to give him the strength to recover.”
After this - on Sunday, my wife and Sis Anjulah asked me whether I would like to have any gadget like an iPod or iPhone to listen to Bhajans, but I declined. I explained the two lines I continued to see as consciousness, and I was enjoying the blissful experience all the time.
Whenever my wife or anyone put their hands on my chest, I could feel the stress they were going through. I even reassured my wife, “Sayang, I am fine and you just need to relax - I can feel your tension in the form of weight in your arm.” Sometimes I could even smell the toxin in Santhi’s breath, and told her to go and see a doctor.
She would tell me everyone is praying for me, she was always very courageous – she made me move on the single line upward and maintain my composure and inner peace.
I must express my heartfelt gratitude to each and every staff member of HTAR, Klang. They are angels, born to serve, and they do this passionately and dedicatedly, attending to every request from urinal pan to bed pan. They took care of me, leaving no room for any complaint.